There is something about my parents house that makes me restless. It is nearly 5 AM and I can't sleep. We (as in me, Jake, and Viv) left Rockford yesterday in the morning to come home. The ride home was great and it made coming home even harder. Alright it's not like being here is horrible and I don't have to work or worry about money, but this isn't home anymore. I really don't know where my home is, the place that I would consider home the most would be at the DTC in Rockford, with my girls in C5. The place where I belong is in the arms of my Father, that's the only place I know I will always belong.

It's weird God has been spoiling me for the past 3 days. Last week I felt so hopeless, ugly, pathetic, and like I was failing at life. I didn't even want to speak up in academics because it felt like barely anyone especially in the male population of the first year class respected me. But the LORD seriously blessed me and helped me out with my feelings of insecurity. During community time on friday Nina talked about finding confidence and identity in God. I've also been feeling down because it seemed like no older people (2nd or 3rd years or even staff) have recognized or seen a change in me. But I had lunch with Jenae on Thursday and she told me that I was improving. I'm so glad that we got to have lunch together, Jenae and I have more in common than I originally thought. She felt like the leftover girl last year too. I'm so glad she's in the AC with me. But also Katie Martinez recognized it to after we did our mock service in Creative Comm. She said that she has seen God soften my heart and that there is more of a joy in me than she had seen before. Then after split off Talitha asked to speak with me and she said that she likes me and that my name has been popping up in conversations that week and she's only heard good things about me. She said that Ashley Zieman respected me and that she was honored and thankful that I was a part of this first year class. It took me by suprised and I am truly flattered and honored that people are recognizing what God is doing in me.

LORD I know you're working, slowly but surely. I love you so much and I pray that this Christmas break will not be filled with fear or anxiety, but with strength and victory. God I want to make you happy, please help me be obedient to your voice and to respect and guard my covenant with you. I want to be a woman of my word, help me to be that.

I've been at RMC for almost two months now and it doesn't even feel like it. Even though I don't realize it or recognize it most of the time God really is working in my heart. I cry more, I feel more, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm being broken by God and I know that. It hurts but it's worth it. I just have to keep saying and praying that.

"It's worth it."






I want to sit at your feet.
Drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breathe.
Feel your heartbeat.

This love is so deep.
It's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace.
It's overwhelming.

I found this interesting..supposedly the title is my personality type. I am also a "Champion Idealist"


General: ENFPs are both "idea"-people and "people"-people, who see everyone and everything as part of an often bizarre cosmic whole. They want to both help (at least, their own definition of "help") and be liked and admired by other people, on bo th an individual and a humanitarian level. They are interested in new ideas on principle, but ultimately discard most of them for one reason or another.

Social/Personal Relationships: ENFPs have a great deal of zany charm, which can ingratiate them to the more stodgy types in spite of their unconventionality. They are outgoing, fun, and genuinely like people. As SOs/mates they are warm, affectionate (l ots of PDA), and disconcertingly spontaneous. However, attention span in relationships can be short; ENFPs are easily intrigued and distracted by new friends and acquaintances, forgetting about the older ones for long stretches at a time. Less mature ENFPs may need to feel they are the center of attention all the time, to reassure them that everyone thinks they're a wonderful and fascinating person.

ENFPs often have strong, if unconvential, convictions on various issues related to their Cosmic View. They usually try to use their social skills and contacts to persuade people gently of the rightness of these views; his sometimes results in their negle cting their nearest and dearest while flitting around trying to save the world.
Work Environment: ENFPs are pleasant, easygoing, and usually fun to work with. They come up with great ideas, and are a major asset in brainstorming sessions. Followthrough tends to be a problem, however; they tend to get bored quickly, especially if a newer, more interesting project comes along. They also tend to be procrastinators, both about meeting hard deadlines and about performing any small, uninteresting tasks that they've been assigned. ENFPs are at their most useful when working in a group w ith a J or two to take up the slack.

ENFPs hate bureaucracy, both in principle and in practice; they will always make a point of launching one of their crusades against some aspect of it.

Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving

by Joe Butt

ENFPs are friendly folks. Most are really enjoyable people. Some of the most soft-hearted people are ENFPs.

ENFPs have what some call a "silly switch." They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Som etimes they may even appear intoxicated when the "switch" is flipped.

One study has shown that ENFPs are significantly overrepresented in psychodrama. Most have a natural propensity for role-playing and acting.

ENFPs like to tell funny stories, especially about their friends. This penchant may be why many are attracted to journalism. I kid one of my ENFP friends that if I want the sixth fleet to know something, I'll just tell him.

ENFPs are global learners. Close enough is satisfactory to the ENFP, which may unnerve more precise thinking types, especially with such things as piano practice ("three quarter notes or four ... what's the difference?") Amazingly, some ENFPs are adept at exacting disciplines such as mathematics.

Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, moreso even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone , especially on a regular basis.

One ENFP colleague, a social worker, had such tremendous interpersonal skills that she put her interviewers at ease during her own job interview. She had the ability to make strangers feel like old friends.

ENFPs sometimes can be blindsided by their secondary Feeling function. Hasty decisions based on deeply felt values may boil over with unpredictable results. More than one ENFP has abruptly quit a job in such a moment.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


So basically I am a charming, people person, who has a lot of potential for the dramatic/acting, I am impulsive, worldly, and it says I dislike authority.


And it's not that far off.

What do you do when you want something so badly, but you know you'll never be good enough to get it? I am all for working for it and polishing my potential. But I feel like time has robbed me of what I could be or could have been. People train their whole lives for this and I only dream of it. They go to performing arts school and work with voice teachers and I sing my heart out in fields and in my room. How can my dream ever come true?

To sing onstage will be the dream deferred for me.


I don't know how I can ever give up this dream.




What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?



I have to perform, it's what I love.

If you could be another person for a day, who would it be and why?


I would be an extremely beautiful girl. Every step I took would tantalize the opposite sex. One glance at a man would cause him an instant hard on. I would want sex appeal that spills over and floods. My beauty would cause men to stumble and inspire art and music. I guess I would want to be a super sexy woman because I've never been considered that before. You know sometimes I am so sick of having "personality" and I want to have raw sex appeal. I've never really been considered beautiful by many and there's no way in hell anyone considers me sexy. I guess it's the idea of being able to bring a man to his knees really appeals to me.


Maybe I should start shedding the pounds and learning how to put on make up and groom myself. Maybe if I trained myself to become more ladylike I could achieve that control that I desire so much.



Maybe not, I like being who I am. A lifetime of being Plain Jane has really helped me better judge people. And I think that the more quality people get to see me for me and not for what I look like.



But then again maybe I could step it up and try more in my appearance, it couldn't hurt.












God I'm so indecisieve.

Someday I will. At least I hope so.








My soul is not a stage I won't pretend I'm anything I'm not.

Lately I've been feeling really selfish lately, but at the same time not. I haven't been thinking about anything but my future lately. My dreams and how I will get to them. I've never been the best actress or singer, but there's this passion, hunger, and thrist inside of me to learn and become better. I want to be on that Broadway stage. I want to help people feel and experience emotions inside of them through brilliant pieces of work. I want to spend my life singing to other people.

I want to be changed at Masters but I don't want my dreams to be changed. I know that's selfish and that I'm limiting what God can do, but I'm sure he wouldn't give me this love and passion for song and the stage if I'm not going to use it.



God I miss intimacy, being close with someone emotionally or even physically. I don't know much about the second one, but I am craving some feelings other than numb and dull.




"But an actress! How different an actress is! Harry! Why didn't you tell me that the only thing worth loving is an actress?"
-The Picture of Dorian Gray

seperate me and New York.

Deanna and Ashley are coming by in four hours and then we are on our way to the airport.


I'm so excited!

Is what the theme of this day should have been. I woke up to find Allison and Paula in my room telling me that we were going to lunch. We ended up going to Cracker Barrel and gorging ourselves with good all American food. I had meatloaf and it was divine! I really really hope and am praying that I am in Allison's AC next year or a good AC. I'll be heartbroken if my first year at Masters is scarred with bad memories of a sucky AC. I'm trusting that God will put me into where I am supposed to be. I just pray that I am meant to be in an AC that fits me and that I fit into to.

After Allison left Paula and I then went to the mall to get Mommy's birthday present. After wards we stopped by Marbleslab and went to church. Even though Pastor Brent and Dani have been there for about a month or so I still can't help but feel awkward when I don't see Pastor Joe. I really miss Joe and Lori and I think I'm beginning to realize more and more how they were such a blessing in my life.


I guess I should start seriously packing for New York. But I just haven't felt like packing yet. It seems too unreal that I am going. I still can't believe it and I don't think it will hit me until the day before.


Speaking of packing..I'm off a microwave burrito and some laundry is calling my name. Time to start planning the outfits!





2 days until NYC!

It's crazy to think that the days left until I am in New York City can be counted on one hand. The past couple of days have been spent shopping for the outfit I wear when I go to my first Broadway show. I found two possible options, I'm not super in love with either but I know I'll look good and that's what matters.



NEW YORK NEW YORK NEW YORK!



It seems like this is all I can think about...and with good reason.

I WANT TO BREAK FREE

Today was pleasant in many ways. This morning I went with Deanna and Ashley to go shopping for NY. Five minutes after we left my house I realized that I did not have my wallet. So we turned around so I could go back and get it, my wallet was missing. I went to the mall anyways and had a blast. Ashley and Deanna both got their dresses for the show and I have yet to find one that I love. I'm hoping to find one that's a cream color or gold since Ashley's is a champagne color and Deanna's is creamy white. That would be so cute if we all matched.

After being at the mall for two hours they dropped me off at my house so I could get ready for work. I went to work at 2 and got to leave at 6 because it was a slow day at McDonalds. I walked home singing SA and then called Daina to see if she wanted to go shopping. She actually had some shopping to do so we went back to the mall. We visited Travis for a little bit and walked around. Afterward we went to Target and I got my carry on bag for the plane so I can drag my laptop on and other little things. Makeup and Tide-To-Go.


Another reason why I think this trip was meant to be. Gideon Glick is leaving the show in a month and starting on an off Broadway production. His last show is on August 25th. A lot of the reason why I wanted to see the show is to see one of my favorite songs "Touch Me" live and with Gideon singing. I love his voice, it's so beautiful. I couldn't imagine seeing it the first time without him playing Ernst. Is it weird that I the only people I really really want to see are John Gallagher Jr., Johnny B. Wright, and Gideon Glick? I could care less about watching Johnathon Groff or Lea Michele, but I'm praying and hoping that no understudies will be playing the parts of Moritz or Hanschen. Thank the LORD that we are seeing it before Gideon leaves!



It may sound weird, but I'm taking this trip to New York as like a new step in my life. I want to embrace my femininity and better understand it. I want to learn how to put on and wear makeup. I want to better understand how to dress my body and how to express myself through fashion. I'm so excited to go and walk around the city with the girls looking beautiful.







I can't wait to find my dress for Spring Awakening!

So I finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows last night. I know a lot of people will disagree with me, but the book didn't live up to the expectations I had for it. I think it would have been better if Harry died in the end. I did like how JK continuously emphasized the importance of the power of love. But I feel as if the story would've come more of a full circle if Harry had died, instead of the shitty epilogue that she gave us. I wish Snape would have lived and played more of a role in Harry's life, but I'm glad he died with honor and that Harry got to see his true feelings towards Lily. Snape at least deserved a better death than he got. One of the most brilliant wizards and he died by being bitten by a snake. WTF?!?!?!?!? Anyways I guess it was a good book overall, maybe I'll re read it sometime again. Maybe the second time around the 'brilliance' of the books will hit me.

Everyday that goes by brings me closer to NYC and makes me more and more excited. It seems as if this is truly meant to happen because things of convenience keep popping up. In addition to my mom being in the Philippines at the same time I'm in NYC, my sister is planning on going to Lake Geneva with the church girls at the same time too. Ahhh I hope she does! I think that she is one of the only people that could see through or spoil my plans. So I'm crossing my fingers and praying that she will go.


9 days until we leave!

Chicago to New York 8/01/07 6:00 AM-9:40 AM JetBlue Airways

New York to Chicago 8/04/07 8:00 PM-10:03 PM JetBlue Airways

Spring Awakening
Thursday, August 2, 2007 at 8:00 PM
3 Tickets, Right Orchestra Row N, Seats 18-22




So it's official. Above are the dates and times of our flights and when we are going to see Spring Awakening. Of course I wish we could've snagged closer seats or stage seats. But I'm just thankful that this is going to be happening! And from what I've heard we've got a pretty good view from where we are sitting. And maybe if the girls really love the show I can convince them to wait in the student rush line to see it again hahahaha.

I might be seeing a friend from Euroquest, Nick. I don't know why I am so nervous and excited to see him. I don't feel that way for him, but I feel like I have to meet some standard when I see him. I guess it's the narcissistic side of me. I just want him to see me and remember why he looks back on me fondly. Or I want him to remember me fondly when we part again. I guess it's a problem, I want everyone to love me and think I'm wonderful. But then maybe again that isn't something wrong with me. Maybe everyone feels that way. But I hope I'll be able to see him again. I just want to see him and the flesh and hug him. Last summer whenever he was around I always felt better. Nick is just an all around good guy.



AHHHHH 11 DAYS!

Guess what?


IT'S REALLY HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!! Deanna DeMay, Ashley Cokefair, and I will be taking a plane to New York in exactly 2 weeks to see the original broadway cast of Spring Awakening. It's so strange at first it all seemed like such a far away dream and now knowing that it's merely 14 days away makes me soooooo excited! It all started out with my and Deanna DeMay's growing obsession with this new musical on broadway called 'Spring Awakening'. It's supposedly our generations RENT. I have fallen in love with the music and what I've seen of the show. So Deanna and I were talking about how great it would be to see it in NY and we started planning it out.

Now August 1-4 will be spent in New York City with those two lovely ladies.

Dang I'm going to start trying on outfits and seeing what I'm packing!

It's days like this that make me happy. I can't express how much I have grown to love and appreciate the time I spend with my sister Paula. We basically spent the entire day together. My original thought when I woke up was that I had to go to work at 2. So I roll up to McDonalds dressed and ready to go when I find out that I never had to come in the first place. Needless to say, it was a pleasant suprise.

After I went home and showered, Paula and I went off to Schaumburg to see if my iPod could get fixed. Luckily everything got sorted out and I got a new iPod and a warranty for it. Hallelujah! After walking around the mall for a bit we went to Maggianos and I paid for dinner.

We headed home blaring Hilary Duff and then went to the Naval Base to watch the fireworks.


It's days like this that make me feel warm inside.
















Thank you Lord for all you have blessed me with and the blessings you continue to give me.

I feel like tommorow holds so much promise and potential. It can either be amazingly fun or horrendously drab. I am going to Chicago with Dillon, Travis, Rachael, and Daina to meet up with Kim B. I love Daina and Travis I really do, but I'm not up for interacting with both of them at the same time. I can hang out with each of them seperately, but when they are together I feel useless, shoved aside, and ignored. It sucks because I brought them together and I got them closer and now I am the odd man out. They have all of their little inside jokes and I hate being the third wheel in my own relationships. The thought of what could happen or how my emotions could go makes my stomach go queasy and my head to pound. I used to love when the three of us would hang out together. We were so close and called ourselves the Holy Trinity, now it's just Daina and Travis. And I'm just by myself. Like I've said before maybe this is the after effects of leaving high school and it's coming sooner to me than I originally thought.

I don't know why but my heart is hurting so much right now. It's almost unbearable.





Dear Lord,

Be with me tommorow. Please help me to hold my tongue and yield to my emotions. Tommorow is about Kim and not about me. Let me be understanding and patient with Daina and Travis. Take away this destructive anger and jealously in me. I feel as if it is brewing over and spilling on all areas of my life. This is not good.

I know you'll be there with me, but please help me.










"At about midnight I call.
At about midnight I call your name.
Cause I need you beside me through these seasons of change."

I've officially decided that this webjournal will be more of a stream of conciousness unlike the other blogs and written journals I've had. I used to in a way edit my words to make them seem more tame or favorable. I think I did that because I wanted to look back and read my journals and not be ashamed or appalled by any of the things that I wrote. I started thinking about this during work when I was making fries (yes I work at McDonalds STFU) and I think that I want to look back on my life and see it all for what it is. I want to see the mistakes, regrets, triumphs and beauty of the stages of my life.


As you can tell by the title and what I'm listening to, I am completely in love with Spring Awakening. I'm not kidding. I've been listening to the soundtrack non stop and I am thanking the Lord for the musical genius of Duncan Sheik. I'm seriously considering buying a ticket online and buying a ticket to fly out New York just so I can watch it. Hahaha I even had a plan and everything, I was going to say that I was sleeping over at a friends house and then I would fly out to New York in the morning, arrive in the early afternoon. I would freshen up and eat a late lunch, catch the show, and come home. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it sounded great in my head. It's my generation's RENT and I really really really really want to see it.

I think what it is about this show that draws me to it is the honesty and raw intensity of the plotline and songs. It deals with what every teenager must face, their hormones and the awakening of sexuality. I guess in a way I can relate to the time period of the show. In my house it seems like I can't have a budding sexuality or curiousity of it. It's a taboo subject to discuss in my house and I feel like if I want to mess around with a guy (by mess around I mean make out) I will instantly be labeled as promiscious. It's not right especially when these days handjobs are the new handshake.




It's just that after 17 years I finally feel it rising up in me.






My sexual awakening.













I believe all will be forgiven

As I sit here still awake I can't help but feel uncontent. It seems as if everynight it gets harder and harder for me to fall asleep. It's like there's this restlessness in my bones that refuses to leave me at night. I wish it would leave so I could get some rest, but in a way even though I'm tired and begging my body to let me slow down I don't want to. I want to keep living and never waste time. I want to suck the marrow out of life and not let petty things like sleep ever let me miss anything.

Summer although promising has not lived up to the hopes I had for it. My friends in a way have abandoned me so far. I know that after high school friends drift apart, but I didn't think it would be this soon. In this short amount of time I've grown apart from the people I thought I would share friendships with for a long time coming. It seems that my friends look at me and the convictions I hold and see it as an obstacle in their pursuit for instant pleasure. It's sad that they think I will get in the way of their life. They know how I feel about their drinking and smoking pot and I can't stop them, it's their life afterall.


Maybe this summer will be better without some of them. I feel as if I have already grown in this small amount of time. I'll invest my time into the things and people that really matter.










Dear Lord,

I know it's been a while since I came to you, but I'm hoping that we can walk side by side again. I'm giving this next school year to you and I'm hoping that you will prepare me this summer for your will. God I'm so scared of what I don't know. Everything seems so uncertain and I feel as if there is this constant worry implanted in my head. I pray that everything works out with RMC and that you will put me with the people I need to be with. I pray for my friends that are dabbling in dangerous things Lord. You know how I worry for them and their safety. Even though I am hurting in my friendships please let me be a light in their lives, let me shine your light. Let me handle my friendships with a gentle tongue and a loving spirit. Please please please be here with me in this season of change. I love you father and I know you will never forsake me, like others have.



Draw me nearer